Wednesday, March 23, 2005

So Right About Now...

Right about now, you've checked your watch about 50 times today. You check your phone to see if it's still working and you paid your bill on time. Even the mail can wait today. It doesn't mean much, now that the neuroses has set in.

You want to call your agent but how in the hell can that help things? They don't want to take your call. They know what you're calling about. They ALWAYS know what you're calling about.

I'm not nervous, I'm neurotic. Which is, like, nervousness embodied and mentalized at the same time. I'm thinking of all these things that could go wrong. I've already thought about how stupid, ugly and untalented I am. That's all part of the self-doubt that started as soon as I got the call about being on avail. Now's when the really ugly stuff happens -- while waiting for that all-important confirmation call.

A friend called me today. "What are you doing?" "Waiting for the phone to ring." "Oh. That's really exciting." "Yeah, and the paint drying on the wall, too, while I'm at it." "Why don't you go to the gym?" "Are you kidding me? How can I work out thinking I might've missed an important phone call??!! Don't you know all the stories of jobs lost because of a missed phone call???!!!!"

Okay, the conversation didn't exactly happen that way. But it's true. I'm afraid to miss a phone call right now. That REALLY sucks. Not just missing the call, but being AFRAID to miss the call. Capital S on that one.

I don't want to go out because I'd be in public with this neurotic behavior. That's not good. Not good for anyone.

Anyway, right about now, you should really ask yourself, "Do I really want to be in this business?" I'm in it and I ask myself that question all the time.

A friend asked me once if I ever have these moments of darkness when I'm contemplating not having any "irons in the fire." My answer? "All the time." All the fricking time....

No comments: