Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Oh, Woe Is Me...

I realize I haven't written anything truly dreadful or depressing, which is really not being honest. It takes a lot to keep perspective while living in Hollywood. You get caught up in the whirlwind of consumerism and materialism--and that's just the dating scene.

Well, last weekend I had a period of several hours just reflecting on life...and it wasn't pretty. Enjoy! ;)


I used to think that the world is not fair. But over the years, I’ve come to believe that the world is, in fact, fair. It’s just not fair to me.

Why can’t the world revolve around me just once?

Someone told me that books are the key to knowledge. But the more I read, I realize how much more knowledge everyone else has.

If I cry long enough, will the pain go away or will it just take a break until I start crying about something new?

I believe in the power of prayer to take away my sorrows. And right now, I just pray that I won’t have to pray too much longer.

The darkness in my heart is sometimes overtaken by the darkness in my soul. No wonder I live in sunny California.

I make most of my living trying to convince people they need to pay me for whatever it is that I do.

I know that the candle that burns the brightest burns the shortest. But why does my wick seem to never light for very long?

If the world has ever been my oyster, someone must have shucked it.

My fear of abandonment was left on some stranger’s porch a long time ago.

My whole point of being has been left unsharpened.

I wish I were the tissue you blow your nose in. Or the dirt you spit on. Or the water you piss and poop in. At least, then, I’d have purpose.

By the time I get to the light at the end of the tunnel, it’ll be nighttime.

I tried to look at the window to my soul, but a bird flew into it and broke its little neck.

When I can’t sleep, I often pretend I am dreaming of being awake.

I used to think the world revolved around me, but then I realized that standing still while the world continued to spin was not quite the same thing.

© 2006 L.T. Goto. All rights reserved.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Rest for the Weary

I finally had a couple of days of rest, which to me means that I just worked my regular 8-hour work day and went home and watched TV.

It's pretty telling when you point the remote at the TV and find out it hasn't been plugged in since you moved the furniture, oh, about two months ago.

I think I watched some sports. But I can't remember if it was baseball or basketball.

By habit, I turned on my laptop and saw that I had to write up 3 invoices for the work I've done. This is something I've improved vastly in the last 5 years, but can still improve upon VASTLY. It's not like I don't want to get paid. I just don't want to figure out how many hours I worked. Because that takes work!

I had an audition this morning at 10:20 for a print job. It was by my place, so I went to work a little late. Tomorrow, I have a meeting for another freelance gig writing content for a website. Then after that, I have an audition at 2:25 in Venice for another print job. I swear, I am the print job king right now.

Oh, I did the Disney thing last week, and it turns out it was actually at Disneyland. I must've rode the Splash Mountain ride 14 frickin' times! Well, I DID ride it 14 frickin' times. In fact, I have a bruised tailbone to show for it. It's hurting right now, if you must know.

Last night, I went to my regular Tuesday night outing on La Brea and the twin Chinese girls from the movie Big Fish were there. I finally got to chat with them, although I've met them several times before. As often as I've seen them, they still look exotic as ever to me. (Must be that male fantasy thing about being with twins or something.)

Tonight, I'm expecting my first Netflix movie to arrive. Just started a subscription the other day. For my first film, I decided it should be intellectually stimulating yet relaxing and enjoyable. I can't wait. It's "The History of Violence."

Friday, May 12, 2006

So, It WAS One of Those Dreams

I think it was last week when I began writing a little post about having another shit dream. But the problem was, I wasn't sure if it was a shit dream. And usually, my shit dreams get realized right away, within days. This one took a while. And no, I'll hold off on the bad puns.

So the other day, I went on a print audition for Disney. Pays pretty damn good for a print job. AND, the audition was at the same place I've had those Nokia print auditions that I never booked but always got close to booking. So, I guess I broke my losing streak there.

The funny thing was, during the audition, a woman (who I think was the casting director) came up beside me and put her arm around me. Without explanation, we started to do some couples shots. You know, LOVING couples shots. Well, not THAT loving, but loving enough. It was meant to be spontaneous love, I suppose, because I had no idea we were about to do that.

After it was over, I turned to the photographer and said, "Uh, I don't mind doing that again." To which the woman turned to me and smiled. Guess I still got a little bit of charm left in me.

Anyway, I didn't post that little shit dream post...until today. Because now, I'm sure I had one--after the fact.

They gave me a week notice, so it looks like I'll have to take the day off from work. But I doubt that will be a big problem.

Saturday, May 06, 2006


A female friend of mine asked me recently what it would take for me to meet the "right girl." I said "moving out of L.A.," to which she laughed, heartily at first, then somewhat nervously. Her first reaction was taken over by the message which she slowly absorbed, thereby creating the second reaction. You see, she's been pondering meeting the "right guy" herself.

Nevermind the fact that she's a pretty powerful woman in the entertainment industry right now. And when I mean powerful, I mean she has a very enviable position in a well-known, legitimate studio.

What about me? you wonder. Would I be interested in such a person? Well, no, she's part of the reason why I said what I said. I like her, but she's far more sexy to me as a friend than anything else. I think that even kissing her once would ruin the fantasy of ever being with her.

Anyway, right now, just this very moment, I'm thinking about relationships and what they mean to me. Oh, by the way, my follow-up comment to this woman was that I hope to be with someone who would make me believe in relationships again, because they're starting to seem pretty pointless in my life.

And that's sort of my next point. Or rather, the thought that I was just having before I rudely interrupted myself. It goes something like this. Relationships are a selfish way for humans to enjoy themselves. Being single, on the other hand, is a much different form of selfishness.

Truthfully, I'd love to be in a relationship. But I know I'm married to my goals right now, first and foremost. I was growing to think that I'd eventually grow out of having goals and dreams--and I actually got close to giving into this--but then I found I just can't seem to shake them. Having a relationship would just mask my desire to be single and free and striving for my own personal selfish cause, which of course is myself.

But just because I have some very close friends who are married with children doesn't mean they are any less selfish. They want to spread their genepool, infect the world with their winning ways, flourish their own philosophies among their own family tree.

Me? I'm just trying to get some stuff done. Stuff that probably doesn't mean anything to anybody...except me. And that's just fine...with me. I don't need to convince the world that I have more important things to accomplish than anyone else does. Really, it's all relative. One person's home movie is another person's short film.

I have a quote from Michael Jordan that I think works for him and just about everyone I've ever met who got anywhere:

"To be successful you have to be selfish, or else you never achieve. And once you get to your highest level, then you have to be unselfish. Stay reachable. Stay in touch. Don't isolate."

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Tuesday Nights

Every Tuesday night, I hang out at this one restaurant in L.A. on La Brea, just south of Wilshire. We've been doing this for the last 10 months or so, apparently. Drink a lot of beer, eat sushi and sashimi, and order the karaage.

Yesterday, one of the regulars sent out an email to everybody about getting together before this big Asian film festival that opens tomorrow. And sure enough, there was a shitload of folks, most of them in the industry.

One girl, visiting from New Zealand via Hong Kong (meaning she's from NZ but now lives in HK), asked if all these folks were in the entertainment industry. The answer was both yes and no, since some of the ones that do work for movie studios actually do marketing or accounting or work in the legal dept. That's working FOR the entertainment industry, technically. But why haggle, right? I was a dang proofreader and copywriter at one, which I might as well reveal now, since it's a foregone conclusion anyway. It was at Lions Gate Films, which used to be Artisan Entertainment.

I'm not revealing any proprietary secrets or anything so there's no real worry. Plus, they can't fire me since I don't work there anymore. But I digress...

An actor is there to talk with me about copy editing, as he's interested in making some money on the side. So, I promised to chat with him, give him some pointers, maybe even forward his resume to someone in need.

After that was done, I got into chatting with another actor who was all dressed up. I had to ask him why and he said he had an audition for a Michael Bay film. What was the title? Uh..... Transformers! Yes, Transformers, the movie. Pretty wild, eh?

My friend in marketing, oh shoot, I shouldn't really mention it here. But he's doing some focus groups on a big huge movie coming out. Boy, that's lame that I can't mention some things here. It's sensitive material because the results of these focus groups can make or break a release. Anyway, per my policy, I won't jeopardize someone else's career.

We had a few other folks there, but I'll just name them in case you know them: Teddy Zee, Peter Shiao, Stephen Liu, Karin Anna Cheung, Sam Chi, Di Quon, some VJ girl from MTV Asia, a guy who was on "New York Undercover," and many, many others.

I had an audition today for a commercial. Was a little slow, getting around today, but I woke up came time my audition. I ended up missing a print audition because the time and area conflicted. But it's no big deal.

Funny thing was, I auditioned for the same exact commercial -- concept, execution, casting agent -- last year around this time. I even wrote about it, and how I got there late and upset my favorite casting agent. Well, I got there early today and ended up waiting an hour. I'm starting to think that the commercial last year was never shot. Or, maybe it just never aired. Maybe the casting didn't work. So, they're seeing some of the ones that weren't cast. Who knows? But I know one thing. I'm not pissing off that casting agent again.

Not Sure

Not sure, but I think I had another shit dream last night.

More details to follow....

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Clean Shaven

Oftentimes, I get a casting description for "clean-shaven." Such as tomorrow, I have a print audition at Castaways and they want me in business attire and clean-shaven. If you've met me, you know that even when I shave, I look like I haven't shaved.

This is one of those things that has really screwed with me for a long time. I go to auditions all the time and people wonder if I've shaved. Even when I book jobs, they wonder if I've shaved. I mean, didn't you see me in the audition? I don't look clean-shaven!! I have a permanent 5 o'clock shadow!! And, it gets even worse at 5 o'clock!

Over the years (and we're talking since high school here), I've tried various methods of covering it up. Generally, I'll use some sort of beard cover or cover-up makeup. Then I'll blend it in with some kind of powder. Truthfully, it's embarrassing that I have to wear makeup, just to look normal. That's right. I'm just trying to look like I've shaved!

So tomorrow, I'm going to get up a little early, shave, and apply some makeup to my permanent 5 o'clock shadow. Then I'm going to work, hang out for a few hours, then run to my auditions. Oh, I have a commercial audition as well. This one's in Santa Monica.

Anyway, some day, I hope that there gets to be this huge demand for guys like me. A guy who has to wear makeup, just to look normal!