The No-Name Game

It kinda sucks being a no-name male actor in Hollywood. For one thing, you don't have tits that every male producer/director/casting agent/agent/actor wants to feel up. Yeah, that sucks.

But I did discover one way to get really great headshots from the best photographers in the business...with little or no money up front.

First of all, you gotta make friends with him or her. (Yeah, in this scheme, it doesn't matter if the shooter is a male or female.) Then, at some point, you suggest a deal: If you make me look like a frickin' movie star -- give me your A-One best work -- and I book either a national commercial or a major part in a movie WITHIN ONE YEAR'S TIME, I will pay you DOUBLE your going rate. Plus, for each job I book over a thousand dollars, drinks are on me.

All photogs worth their Leitz enlarger have an A game, and they save it for their A people: celebs, execs, people with money, and women (or men) they want to lay. If you're said no-name male actor, good luck getting the A action.

But like that Tarzan cartoon used to say, "If there's a will, there's a way." I liked that cartoon, by the way. You can always figure out a way to get a photog's A game.

Really good drugs would work too, I suppose, but that's not really my thing.