Thursday, June 30, 2005

The Decision

I didn't go to the cruise audition. I was leaning against it, but then I got a call from my commercial agent about another audition around the same time. Great excuse.

I know this seems sort of fatalistic, or noncommittal, or whatever other label you might use. But I did have a conversation about where I'm at these days.

I was chatting with someone who has just moved here from Korea and is looking for a job. She has about 3 months left before her visa runs out and she may have to move back home. Lately, she's found religion, and she likes to share her experiences with me, which I'm not against.

I asked her if God tells her what to think and what direction to take. She said, "Yes. God wants you to know."

So I said to her, "I'm okay with not knowing the answer to things. I'm okay with not knowing my next step." Which means, I don't always need to know where I'm going. Actually, while writing this, I almost phrased it, I don't need to go where I'm knowing. And really, that's what I meant.

I had to put things in terms of her religion, so I just said I have tremendous faith in God, and that things will work out fine, no matter how good or bad my next step is. But to be honest, I don't have tremendous faith in anything in most matters, except that whatever happens, I want it to happen. And my only test will be whether I can handle the thing that happens.

That doesn't mean I don't believe in God. I do. But I save God for the good stuff. Or the particularly difficult stuff.

For me, getting a job, booking a commercial, taking a trip to a far-off land, changing my place of residence, dealing with an injury, moving to another country -- these are all things I have faith that I can handle, and my challenge is to see how well I handle it.

Sometimes I don't handle things so well. Fortunately, I learn a lot from those experiences. And hopefully, I can face future similar challenges much better.

But when it came to the cruise audition, I actually didn't want to cancel it. I wanted to go and let fate decide whether I would book it or not. It's the whole "not knowing is better than knowing" sort of thing.

But then fate -- or, simply, my commercial agent and an audition -- stepped in and changed it for me. I ended up having to cancel the cruise audition, due to unforeseen circumstances. Which is fine with me. Because that's where I'm at.


Had my improv class yesterday and tried out the one character I was saving up. Apparently, some other folks think I'm dead on with it, so I think I'll begin using it more in my improvs. By the way, it's my birthday today. I just turned 40.

No comments: