Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Masochism Revisited

I do realize that there will be some unsuspecting S&M folks somehow being forwarded to this page. Unfortunately, this site is not what they'll be looking for.

On the way to work today (and yes, I'm doing this during office hours), I started thinking about a girl whom I sort of dated/sort of hooked-up with last summer. She was a young thing, about 25. Amazing skin. But alas, it was just a "hook up" and nothing more. But I became somewhat obsessed with why it didn't work out.

Today, I think I figured it out. I'm attracted to women who absolutely hate what I do and the way I live. Yet I couldn't get it out of my head that there was something about what I did to discourage this girl away from me.

Almost without exception, I've gone out with women who are initially fascinated by what I do for a living, only to decide at a later date that I should quit whatever I am doing completely or else they will leave me. There was one girl who was completely enraptured with whatever I did, but that's another story. Or maybe not. As a masochist, I don't want someone who loves and adores me. I want someone who hates me. Or will come to hate me.

This girl (from last summer) told me everything from the get-go. She hated artists, actors, etc. She wanted a stable living, but also the ability to do some adventurous stuff, like start a business, work for a clothing designer, etc. Actors usually work in restaurants, bars, or whatever other work they can get their hands on. We were doomed from the start.

What's worse is I'm a multi-hyphened artist. I'm also a writer, which is not stable either. Essentially, this girl wanted a doer, not a dreamer.

Regardless of the idea that I've always considered myself a doer, she already wrote me off as a dreamer. I can't blame someone for doing this. I'd probably do it myself, if I was in her position. Or mine, for that matter.

I've been single/unattached for about 18 months now. This is one of the longest stretches I've had since moving to Hollywood. And I've decided it's going to get even longer. . . until I can figure out how I can start being attracted to someone who doesn't hate me, or eventually come to hate me.


Kuan Yin said...

Wow, I want to talk about this over a beer or something. Veeeery interesting. I have several questions:

1) If you were a successful actor or writer, would you get the same reaction (from the summer girl, for example)?

2) Do YOU respect your own profession(s)?

3) If you lowered your standards (and went out with less ambitious, less independent women), would they tend to be less judgmental of your career ambitions?

4) As a boyfriend, what do you usually bring to the table? Like, what role do you play in your girlfriends' lives? Are you a teacher? a buddy? a pretty thing they can cling onto at parties?

Hey, I just gave you enough fodder for a dozen more blog entries. ; )

LT Goto said...

this'll be at least a two beerer. we can go on for days talking about this.

1) I know that any of these women would fawn over me if I were BOTH successful and famous. Successful might be enough tho. Famous? That's only good for a phone #.

2) Good question. Let me get back to you on that.

3) How do you know my standards aren't already low? Oh, that's right, you do know my tastes. By the way, this summer girl had been divorced -- at 25!

4) I'm a great listener. Very supportive of any endeavors. (Or no endeavors. I don't think everyone should have high falutin' goals.) And I think I'm pretty good, in various ways. I can play teacher or student. Wait, did you mean role-playing or, uh, role-playing? ;)

Okay, maybe I should spread these among several entries. I'll have to do more driving-thinking on my way to work.

HeavyD said...

Fascinating (a la Mr. Spock, raised eyebrow and all...I know, I'm a geek).

My own question: do you pursue these women or do they pursue you?

Obviously you pursued the 25 year old. The fact that you did even though she "laid it on the line" and you knew it was doomed is telling.

For you, masochism is a choice. You even said so in your previous entry. You don't feel alive unless you experience pain. Intimate relationships have the ability to cause the most pain, physical & emotional. So why are you so surprised you are attracted to women who don't accept you for who you are and the path you've chosen? That you engage in relationships that really won't work by their very nature (which could get me started on a whole dialogue about why women profess one thing when they're really thinking they can change things more to their liking).

If you're REALLY interested in figuring out what kind of woman to date for a potentially lasting relationship, I'd suggest passing up the 20-somethings first of all. They rarely understand themselves much less what it takes to sustain a relationship and are easily wow'd by glamorous sounding professions (unless they've gone through the "trial marriage" like your iron maiden). While that may come off sounding bitter or cynical (as I am an older 30-something-haha!), it's simply based on my own experiences.

I know (firsthand) you bring much to the table. ;) I know you have no illusions about the life(style) you've chosen, so the woman you date shouldn't either. She shouldn't rely on you for her livelihood or her happiness.

This is all my opinion more than it's advice (or that's the intent). I just couldn't resist commenting on this entry.

LT Goto said...

heh-heh...like i didn't think you'd comment on this one, d?

by the way, is it "Mr. Spock," or just "Spock"?

the 25-y.o. wasn't someone i pursued, nor did she pursue me. i was with some friends, she was with some friends. then we spent an entire day together getting to know each other. i thought that would be it, but she decided to invite me over. do girls do that with guys they don't really like? if so, i'm really confused.

i had an email conversation with someone today about why i tend to have relationships with certain women. usually, it's not about pursuing or being pursued by. it's purely connecting. i connect with her, she connects with me. that's it. but it can be on different levels: physical, mental, intellectual, spiritual, um, animal?

these things, i think, are great starting points. but then our minds kick in and we start asking ourselves, "is this really what i want?"

there's that saying about how men want a woman to never change and she always does. while women want a man to change and he never does.

i guess we want our barbie dolls and you want your frog that turns into a prince.

HeavyD said...

naturally i would have comment on this entry - we've had several discussions on the topic.

pursued, connected...do men engage semantics just for the sake of arguing?? (don't even get me started on the guy who didn't think persuation was a form of selling). no wonder the sexes have such a hard time getting along. you make it sound like you and these women are just drawn together like magnets. i don't mean pursuing like the coyote after the roadrunner. but when there's obviously a mutual attraction, SOMEONE has to make a move.

HeavyD said...

naturally i have to comment on this entry - we've had several discussions around this topic.

pursued, connected...do men engage semantics just for the sake of arguing? (don't even get me started on the guy who didn't think persuation was a form of selling). no wonder the sexes have such a hard time getting along.

you make it sound like you and these women are drawn together like magnets - like you just can't help it. i don't mean pursuing like the coyote after the roadrunner. but when there's an obvious mutual attraction, SOMEONE has to make a move or you just sit there & make eyes at each other. so i was wrong about your summer fling and she made a move on you. which i guess would bring us to the question about why we'll go out with people we know are obviously not right for us. at the risk of sounding all dr. phil or oprah on you, i feel it's because we don't want it to work. it may not be a conscious action, but it's not far from the surface. the reasons can vary widely depending on your experiences.

i've been in and out of counseling for the last 10 years, just working on issues that affect my relationships with men. i've come to the conclusion that when you don't want your relationships to work, you defintely put out a vibe that attracts like minded people. i'd say the men that i attract now (and that i'm attracted to) have more of the qualities i've discovered i'm looking for and are ready for the same type of relationship i am. far different than those i dated even five years ago.

i think once you're ready for the right relationship, your saying about men and women still applies but to a much lesser degree.

LT Goto said...

semantics, eh? well, i think i choose my words pretty well. if you want to doubt my words, that's your choice. but i do happen to think i live my daily life closer to the truth than you ever could...

when i say "connect," i truly mean that, almost like there's an invisible link between me and her. but again, my connections are all over the map.

a couple months ago, i met a girl from korea. we hang out sometimes. i take her to parties and bbqs. i even bought her a pair of tickets to see kelly clarkson, one of her favorites. but i had no desire to attend the concert with her. i like her in my life. but we connect on some level that may never lead somewhere else.

i have another girl friend who is great to party with. she's bubbly, good energy, and can party all night. she loves to have fun. and, occasionally, we have some really great, deep conversations. recently, we talked about reincarnation and what lessons we might learn in each lifetime.

but i am someone who doesn't always think a relationship has to go somewhere else.

some people see the world through amway-colored glasses, and every person they meet just might be a potential downlink in their chain. those people scare the living crap out of me.

HeavyD said...

Oh my goodness, take a chill pill! I forgot that you're a writer. Ok, so I apologize for doubting your words but there's no need to get testy. I'm sure you live your daily life closer to THE truth (or maybe YOUR truth) than I do (or ever will). I think I've gotten to the point where I'm living my life closer to my truth than I used to (with an occasional slip here and there). I think it's fantastic that you have the courage to pursue and live your dreams. I have no problem admitting I've lived most of life either trying to please other people or afraid of taking chances.

But what does that have to do with the original point of the comments - why you date women that don't accept your or your profession. If you're really interested in discussing the topic then let's discuss it and I think I could give you a different point of view. But don't think I'll continue if you plan on getting personal every time I inadvertently offend you.

As for the rest of your last comment, it's so refreshing to know there are some guys that don't think relationships have to go somewhere - I wish more guys did. My experience has been that if I connect with a guy but we know there isn't dating potential, he's happy to move on instead of maintaining any kind of friendship. Might very well be me but I find it frustrating nonetheless.